Let’s face it – having a difficult conversation with your team or an individual team member is not easy. In fact, it’s one of the least favorite and most dreaded types of conversations that managers must have. The good news – if you take the time to plan for the conversation, to get clear on the situation, your own emotions about it, and the desired outcome, you’ll be setting up the conversation for greater success. This best practice provides exactly such a planning approach, and is adapted from Susan Scott’s “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life”.
 

 

To prepare for the difficult conversation, we suggest you first review these seven principles of Fierce Conversations. Then you’ll be ready to fill out the Difficult Conversation Planner that follows. 

 

 
Principle 1: Master the courage to interrogate reality

No plan survives its collision with reality, and reality has a habit of shifting, at work and at home. Markets and economies change, requiring shifts in strategy. People change and forget to tell each other that it changed. This relates to colleagues, customers, spouses, and friends. We are all changing all the time.

 
Principle 2: Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real.

While many fear “real.” It is the unreal conversation that should scare us to death.  Unreal conversations are expensive, for the individual and the organization. No one has to change, but everyone has to have the conversation.  When the conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation is over.  You accomplish your goals in large part by making every conversation you have as real as possible.

 
Principle 3: Be here, prepared to be nowhere else.

Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time.  While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or life, any single conversation can. Speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have with this person.  It could be. Participate as if it matters. It does.

 
Principle 4: Tackle your toughest challenge today.

Burnout doesn’t occur because we’re solving problems; it occurs because we’ve been trying to solve the same problem over and over.  The problem named is the problem solved.  Identify and then confront the real obstacles in your path. Stay current with the people important to your success and happiness.  Travel light, agenda-free.

 
Principle 5: Obey your instincts.

Don’t just trust your instincts-obey them.  Your radar screen works perfectly.  It’s the operator who is in question.  An intelligence agent is sending you messages every day, all day.  What we label as illusion is the scent of something real coming close.

Principle 6: Take responsibility for your emotional wake.

For a leader, there is no trivial comment. Something you don’t remember saying may have had a devastating impact on someone who looked to you for guidance and approval.  The conversation is not about the relationship; the conversation is the relationship.  Learning to deliver the message without the load allows you to speak with clarity, conviction, and compassion.

 
Principle 7: Let silence do the heavy lifting

When there is simply a whole lot of talking going on, conversations can be so empty of meaning they crackle. Memorable conversations include breathing space. Slow down the conversation, so that insight can occur in the space between words and you can discover what the conversation really wants and needs to be about.

Step 1: Identify the pressing issue. The issue I intend to resolve is: | 

Step 2: Describe the issue. What is going on? How long has this been going on? How serious or important is the situation? | 

Step 3: Determine the current impact. How is this issue impacting me? How is this issue impacting others? When I consider the impact on myself and others, what are my emotions? | 

Step 4: Determine the future implications. If nothing changes, what’s likely to happen? What’s at stake for me and for others relative to this issue? When I consider these possible implications, what are my emotions? | 

Step 5: Examine your personal contribution to this issue. How have I contributed to the problem? | 

Step 6: Describe the ideal outcome. When this issue is resolved, what difference will that make? What positive results will I experience? When this issue is resolved, what positive results will others experience? | 

Step 7: Commit to action and a timeframe. What positive outcome am I committed to supporting? When will I schedule this difficult conversation? 

Fierce Conversations:  Achieving Success at Work & In Life One Conversation at a Time, Susan Scott